Soma
by polexia aphrodesia
Summary: Lily hasn't spoken to the biggest mistake of her life in a year. That is until Remus bumps into her while looking for a book that may be the key to Voldemort's defeat. She once again finds herself back in the Order of Pheonix and Potter's life.
1. Chapter 1

SOMA

1.

Remus Lupin pushed open the door to Flourish and Botts with a sigh as he thought about the task he had been given. He recalled James Potter's remarkably vague description of a book he had decided he needed desperately. Knowing James had a lot on his plate at the moment, with an assignment that mostly had him out until dawn every night, Remus offered to go pick the book up for him.

That brought him here to Flourish and Botts, where he felt strangely at home among the dusty books and dim lighting. He poked around through some of the obvious places. Biographies, Defense Against the Dark Arts, but there was nothing there that jumped out at him. He made his way over to the register intending to ask for help, delaying only slightly to browse through the section on Quidditch.

After several embarrassing minutes where Remus discovered he had actually gotten lost and couldn't find the check out counter, he rounded a high shelf of self-help books to find the only apparent employee on duty stacking small violet paperbacks onto a high shelf that she could just scarcely reach.

He didn't recognize her at first, it took a moment and then a smile worked its way onto Remus's face.

"Lily?"

Lily Evans shrieked and tossed several paperbacks up into the air while falling off the stepstool she had been teetering on.

"Oh, God!" she gasped, holding onto the shelf and staring at Remus, "Oh, God Lupin, you scared the shit out of me"

Remus blushed, despite himself. Lily was perhaps the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. Perhaps pretty wasn't the right word, but Remus often felt that when he was looking at her he was being poked in the side with something sharp intending to remind him just how pretty she was. Her red hair wasn't long and red like it had been the last time he'd seen her at graduation, it was shorter and curlier now. Like perhaps now she was putting more time into styling it. Her large green eyes were played up with make up—and Remus couldn't remember her wearing much of that either. She had on a fashionable pale blue dress with pleats in the skirt and a deep V down the front with several necklaces draped around her throat.

Remus also did not fail to notice the giant sapphire hanging off her left ring finger.

"Hi," he said quietly, "I didn't mean to scare you. How are you?"

Lily eyed him wearily and bent down to pick up the books she'd dropped. Remus bent down to help but she waved him off.

"I'm alright," she said vaguely. "Did you find what you wanted?" she added quickly.

"Um, no" Remus admitted "But, I see you're engaged?"

She glanced at the massive ring on her finger and Remus saw a secret smile form on her lips. The kind where inside she was positively beaming but didn't want to make a fool of herself. "Oh, yes. I am" She stood up so she was eye level with him and tossed the books carelessly onto the shelf.

"To whom?" he asked

"Thomas McCarthy? Do you know him? He's an Auror." She said it very quickly and started moving away from him back to her desk. "Can I help you find anything, though? I mean, I really have quite a bit to do"

Remus felt his stomach sink. She was clearly trying to get rid of him. He had always liked Lily well enough, and only got the chance to know her for the three turbulent months she'd dated James at the end of their seventh year. His last memory of Lily Evans was graduation day, when she and James had stood stalk still next to each other as Head Boy and Girl, both clearly fuming with rage and frustration at the other. After the ceremony they hadn't said anything to one another and as far as Remus knew, still hadn't spoken since that day.

"Do you think you could help me find something, Lily?" he asked her quietly, not wanting to seem like he was hanging around for the sake of it.

She gave him a thin smile. "What are you looking for?"

"Uhhh…" Remus paused and flushed, thinking of what an idiot he was about to sound like repeating James's description. "Big brown book… about dark wizards and the dark spells good wizards have used to vanquish them. Shouldn't have anything in it from the last three hundred years, I think. About this big…" he moved his hands around empty space to show her.

Lily rolled her eyes and snorted. "Is it for James?"

"Errr…yes" Remus paused "How do you know?"

"Because, I was with him when we found that book her. That was back during the Tom Riddle obsession. I assume he's gotten over that?"

Remus gave her a side-long glance "He's not dreaming about Riddle anymore, if that's what you mean…"

Lily shook her head. "Idiot" he heard her mutter, and assumed she was referring to James and not himself. "Well, it's in our Restricted Section—"

"Flourish and Botts has a Restricted Section?" Remus interrupted, sounding incredulous.

She just shrugged, "You can't exactly leave four hundred year old books on Dark Magik out lying around next to Quidditch Strategies 101, you know. And you would have to have some kind of pass from the Ministry for me to let you go in there." She paused and Remus saw something in her eyes change for a bit. "But I know you're under direction from Dumbledore, so I suppose it's alright."

"How do you know I'm not an imposter on Polyjuice? Or under the Imperious?" Remus grinned.

"Because," she said, her face softening a bit. "You knew about his dreams…"

There was an awkward silence. All Remus could think about that night last June, when it had all fallen apart. Not just for Lily and James, but for all of them. He could see that she was thinking about it too. The first time they had met Voldemort. The first time they'd seen anyone under the Cruciatus Curse. The first of many deaths in the Order of Phoenix.

Lily closed her eyes and shook her head. "Anyway, come with me"

She grouped around behind the cluttered front counter and pulled out a large gold key. They walked to the back of the store where magical cooking books were on display. She pulled out one in the middle and the shelf slid back revealing a door with no handle. She tapped the door with her wand while muttering a spell under her breath and a large lock appeared right in the middle of the door. She inserted the key and it flew open.

-

hey guys, leave me a review to let me know what you think and I'll be your best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

"Potter, you idiot"

James Potter poked his head out from under the blankets that covered him. It was almost two in the afternoon but he'd managed to keep the room completely dark so he could sleep. After getting in at about dawn and promptly falling into his bed, he'd been falling in and out of sleep blearily for most of the day.

Andromeda Tonks yanked back the heavy dark green velvet curtains from around his bed and stared at him expectantly. James tried to focus on her and could see that she was carrying a tray of food.

"What…?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and grouping for his glasses at the bedside table.

She just sighed and set the tray on the bed next to him. She sat down as well and said. "We were beginning to think you'd died."

"No," he coughed and squinted at her. "Not quite yet"

"Oh shut up, have some breakfast" she said, and then added quickly. "Not that I'm going to be bringing you breakfast in bed from now on, or anything."

James smiled. Andromeda had become significantly more maternal since she'd had Nymphadora two years earlier. She was still the same rash, opinionated hurricane of a woman but now she was rather the unofficial den mother to the younger members of the order of Phoenix.

"Thanks Andromeda" he said softly, sitting up and looking at the oatmeal and toast she'd brought him.

"Yeah, you're welcome" she nodded and tucked a piece of mousy brown hair behind her ear. "How's it going with the Malfoys?"

"Ridiculous. They're covering their tracks well. If I spend one more bloody night outside their house listening to tapped floo's without hearing anything evil related, I'll go mad"

The idea behind his current mission was to get to Voldemort through Lucius Malfoy. Elphias Dodge stalked him during daylight hours while James and Mundungus Fletcher staked out the Malfoy Manner at night. It was a good idea in theory, but Malfoy was just going about his life as if there was no war on.

Andromeda left him and James took his time crawling out of bed and into the shower. After standing under the hot water for an indulgent amount of time he dried off and got dressed in the black robes of an Auror. James wasn't an Auror, there hadn't been enough time between graduating Hogwarts and fighting the war to train.

He had a few hours before he had to go back to Malfoy Manner. James considered spending it holed up in his room where he wouldn't have to see anyone. The new headquarters for the Order were his Parent's home in Buckinghamshire. It wasn't so much as house as a small castle; it was even still outfitted with battlements and cannons. It had been in the Potter family for hundreds of years and almost everyone in the Order called it home. They'd managed to hide it with cloaking devices and it was now one of the safest places in England if you were hiding from Voldemort.

He wondered if Remus was back with the book, or even if he'd found it yet and picked his way downstairs.

Sure enough Mooney was sitting at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee and talking to Alice Longbottom, who was knitting.

"You really don' have to, Alice" he was saying to her. "I mean thank you, I just don't need a scarf in June"

"Oh shut up, let me make you a scarf" she said, waving him off. "You can always wear it later."

Remus rolled his eyes but was smiling.

"Find it?" James asked, sliding into the chair next to Alice.

Remus patted the Flourish and Botts carrier bag. "Yeah. Did you know Flourish and Botts have a restricted section?"

James shrugged "You can't exactly leave ancient books on dark magik laying around next to Quidditch strategies 101, can you?"

There was a pause where Remus stared at him as if he'd just grown a second head. He made a disbelieving sound and pulled the book out of the bag and let it fall onto the table with a thud.

"What?" asked James. "What's pshhh?"

"Nothing… well" Remus hesitated. He had decided not to tell his friend that he'd run into Lily Evans. She'd been perfectly nice the rest of the afternoon although when Remus asked her if she wanted to grab lunch she'd looked flustered and declined.

"_What_?" James pressed

"Er—well, you see Lily Evans is working at Flourish and Botts and she said the exact same thing you just did, Prongs. Sorry, it's just, you know, ironic." Remus watched James's reaction carefully. His face went blank and he leaned back in his chair mussing his hair nervously as if Lily were actually in the room.

"Oh, how is Lily?" asked Alice. "I haven't seen her in ages. She's lovely."

"Er—engaged"

"_Engaged?_" James said, sitting up and slamming the front legs of his chair down on the floor noisily. "To _whom_?"

"To Thomas McCarthy. Auror apparently…"

"Oh I know Thomas McCarthy." Frank Longbottom said, ambling into the kitchen with a half eaten apple in his hand. "Good guy," he said through a mouthful. "Great Auror. He was Head Boy when we were in fifth year Alice, right?"

"Oh yes, he's lovely" Alice said, looking down at her knitting and away from James.

"Great." Said James quickly, "Well, I'm glad for her then. What's going on Frank?"

Frank swallowed what he was eating and inclined his head out of the kitchen. "Ted wants a word. Apparently we're ugh—'infringing on the privacy of Mr. Malfoy and his family'."

"What?"

"We don't have a warrant or anything, Malfoy's been paying off everyone and everything that could possibly give us an excuse to search his house. We aren't an official agency of the Ministry. We could basically get sued if we don't lay off stalking him."

"We aren't stalking him!" said James. "He's evil, it doesn't count if he's evil!"

Frank made a face "I don't know, talk to Ted, he's the barrister."

James groaned

"That's bloody ridiculous, that is" said Remus over the rim of his coffee cup.

"And Sirius needs you to wire him a couple hundred galleons."

"Why am I not surprised." James sighed.

Sirius was in Prague, helping to hide Dorcus Meadows, a young witch whose Aunt had been a fantastically wealthy antique collector. For some reason that no one was quite sure of yet, she had been one of Voldemort's prime targets for almost six months. She'd been in hiding in Prague for almost three months with Sirius as her Secret keeper but even that was getting to dangerous. Sirius was supposed to bring her back to Buckinghamshire but he kept getting detained.

James stood up. "Sirius needs money, I'm getting sued for stalking a Death Eater and Evens is getting married." He said shaking his head, "I'm going flying."

-

hey my loves, review it please? Pretty please?


	3. Chapter 3

SOMA

3.

Sirius Black's head was surrounded by dark green flames which licked at his handsome face and fashionably messy hair. Frustration masked his face and he kept looking back into the flames of the fireplace suspiciously, as if someone was watching. Remus had an idea he was looking out for Peter Pettigrew. They all considered Peter to be a friend, but he had been grating on all their nerves as of late.

"Alright, Padfoot?" Remus grinned, seeing the distress in Sirius's eyes.

"I tell you, Moony, she is driving me _mad_." He said emphatically "It's like living with bloody Narcissa again. All she does is talk about _nothing_ and I can't exactly get away from it, can I? I mean, at least Peter has no dignity and can meet her every wish. I think he's in love with her, if you really want to know. The poor fool's following her around like he's in love with her, anyway. Ugh, that's disgusting. Peter. In love." A wild look came into Sirius's eyes then. "I must get back to London, Remus. Can you please do something about getting us out of here."

"Oh come on, Sirius." Remus laughed, "Dorcas and Peter aren't that bad."

Sirius sent Remus a severe look. "It's not just that, Remus. It's this city. There is definitely something unfriendly going on here. I don't know what it is." He paused and looked back again. "Bugger," he mumbled to himself and then yelled something toa personin the room on his end of the fireplace.

Remus always thought Sirius looked rather like a darker, more masculine version of James. They both sported the fashionably tousled black hair, they both had hazel eyes, remarkably pale English complexions, lean Quidditch builds, and average heights. Perhaps they looked alike because they had grown up together, Remus wasn't sure. But there was definitely something different in the ways that they carried themselves.

Sirius thought the world was against him, and behaved rather like a thick-headed teenager with a superiority complex. James was less arrogant, more cautious, but just as emotional. At some point, he had started feeling not like the world was against him, but leaning on his shoulders. James was far more self-involved than Sirius. He generally thought everything was about himself but for the most part it always was.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, bringing a hand out of the flames to wave and get his friend's attention. "Mate? Where's James?"

"In his room." Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Sulking."

"Oh god," Sirius groaned. "What's happened?"

Remus tossed himself down in one of the large over-stuffed chairs that populated the living room area. "I ran into _Lily_." He said. "It was interesting. She's getting married to Thomas McCarthy. Know him?"

"Oooh. Yeah, I do know him. Class guy… Did Prongs take it badly?"

"Well," Remus shrugged and pushed his fingers against his temples. "That combined with the fact that Lucious Malfoy can actually sue James for stalking him…"

"No fucking way"

"Yeah." Remus nodded. "Next thing you know, Voldemort's going to be prosecuting us for attempted murder or something."

"This is absolutely bollix!" Sirius exclaimed, "This would never have happened with James's Father as Minister"

Remus gave a short sarcastic laugh "Well, there was a reason Voldemort had him killed, then" he muttered.

"Bugger off," Sirius said and Remus was about to retort when he realized Sirius was talking to someone else on his end of the floo. Sirius's head came back and he sighed. "Dorie used to date Thomas McCarthy's younger brother Stephen. You have to get me out of here Moony." He added quickly, and then "Fuck off Meadows. I've had it out of you—what?"

"What is it?"

Dorcus Meadow's dark head appeared in the fire place. She was a small woman of about twenty-five with sleek auburn hair and brown eyes that usually had a decent amount of black shadow around them. She might have been small but there was something utterly defiant and stubborn about her person. She was wearing dark purple robes and glaring at Sirius out of the corner of her eye. "Did you find the book by Etienne de Cardieneaux?" she asked

"Er--- yes, how do you know about that, though?" Remus asked

"Sirius told me, of course." she said off handedly. "It used to be in my family's collection. My grandmother sold it to Flourish and Botts. I had one of my old house elves look it up in the registry. I knew it was familiar."

"Do you have a point?" Sirius said loudly.

"Sod off, Sirius. You're just upset because you can't read." She snapped and then looked back at Remus. "That book is the best idea James has had thus far. Not that I'm promoting dark magic. He needs to have someone watch him while he does it."

"James isn't doing any dark magic." Remus said stoutly. "He's just looking at it for ideas. We already had an incident a few years ago with Tom Riddle when James went off the deep end with dark magic. He knows better."

Dorie snorted "Please, who do you think you're all fooling? Sometimes measures must be taken for a greater good. Like getting me the fuck out of the Eastern Block for a start." shecrossed herarms and stared pointedly at Remus. "I went to Durmstrong, remember... If he needs assistance."

"There isn't going to be any bloody dark magic, Meadows" Sirius fumed at her. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"You're a _fool,_" She said emphatically.

Remus sighed and left the room, letting the two fight it out in the fireplace.

-

Lily couldn't concentrate on dinner. She was sitting at a large table in the dining room of her and Thomas's house in London. Thomas's parents were one of the older pureblood families so even with the meager salary he made as an Auror there was always a steady flow of gold from the massive vault in Gringotts.

She was sitting across from Thomas and besideher future sister-in-law Laurel Chang-McCarthy, a pretty woman a bit older than Lily who was married to Thomas's brother Stephen. They had two kids together and Laurel talked about how worried she was leaving her babies at home with a sitter for a while before the conversation moved to the ever present topic of the war. Thomas was an Auror and his brother worked for the Ministry but for the most part they both did their best to pretend it didn't exist.

The reality of it was the Ministry and the Aurors could not do much to stop Voldemort, there was too much resistance and bullshit involved. It took people like the Order of Phoenix to do anything in the way of progress. There it was again. Thinking about the past. Thinking about the Order, about Remus, about James. Bastard.

She and Laurel started talking about the wedding and how big and splendid and elegant it would all be. Lily wasn't paying attention though. She would look at her ring and see how beautiful it was or how stylish and sleek the décor of the dining room was or just how fine the dresses she and Laurel were wearing were an all it did tonight instead of making her happy reminded her of the war. Of the people dying. Of the Order. Of James. It made her want to scream or at least escape from the dinner party to take a muggle prescription drug or two.

"Lily are you quite alright?" asked Stephan. "You look quite faint."

"No, I'm perfectly fine," she said, smiling thinly at him. "I feel a bit tired, though. You know, working with books all day" she gave a tittering laugh and Laurel joined in with her so that they sounded like twin bells.

"Oh, I do envy you Lily. I wish I still had the time or energy to have a little job for myself. You know? But once I had the twins there was just no time. Perhaps when they get a bit older I'll go work in a little café or something."

Lily nodded. She didn't like the way that had sounded. Like working in a bookstore was some kind of novelty—some last straw of independence from her husband's life. Was she being paranoid? She must be. She loved her job and she loved Thomas. Their eyes met over the table, and she smiled at him, remembering she wanted to be there afterall.

After Stephen and Laurel left, Lily sat down at her night table and got ready for bed. On an impulse she got a piece of parchment and a quill and started writing a letter.

"Who's that for?" asked Thomas, sideling up next to her. "Secret admirer?"

She elbowed him. "Of course not, I ran into my old friend Remus Lupin today at work. I think I'm going to ask him to have lunch with me tomorrow."

"Remus Lupin? He works for Professor Dumbledore, right?"

"Yeah" she said, chewing on the end of the quill. She settled for a quick note and handed it to Thomas to read while it dried.

Thomas smiled at her lovingly, "Sounds great, love" he said, pulling her into his arms. Lily felt a twinge of something in her chest as he did so. Although she didn't want to admit it to herself she knew exactly what—or rather who it was twinging and reminding her. And she knew that now that it was back she would have a time getting rid of him.

-

Remus,

Sorry if I was short with you today. It was really nice to see you. You're a good friend and I missed you. I'm sorry. Shall we get lunch tomorrow?

See you then,

Lily.

-

simplysarcstic: thank you, i'm glad you like it. hopefully you'll like where i take it. :D

jewels5: i turned off the review blocker-thing. thanks. :D. thanks for saying you think it's original. hopefully i can keep it that way, so much of the lily/james stories are exactly. the. same. you know?

ta, guys.

leave me a love note? please?


	4. Chapter 4

SOMA

4.

Lily sat quietly twisting her engagement ring while she waited for Remus at the Leaky Cauldron. Her other hand kept sneaking to the pocket of her jeans to feel the letter that was tucked there so impatiently. She'd just received it that morning via owl from Dumbledore. In his short slanted script he asked her how she felt about taking a temporary teaching position at Hogwarts as the Defense against the Dark Arts. The last professor had a rather unfortunate broom accident and wouldn't be able to teach the coming fall.

She was flattered that he would ask her. She'd gotten an Outstanding OWL in Defense but she hadn't considered it her strongest subject. It was more James's forte, she thought. Despite it being flattering, Lily found herself irrationally annoyed at Dumbledore for offering her the position. First of all, because it reminded her off Potter and all of the 'old crowd' that she'd managed to distance herself from. It was stupid, but she felt like she was somehow being led back to them despite herself.

Well, she didn't have to take the position.

Second of all, it would mean delaying getting married for at least another six months. Oddly, this reason didn't bother her quite so much as the idea of having to be near James Potter again.

Remus came flying through the door of the pub then, looking apologetic and out of breath.

"Sorry about that" he said, as Lily stood to kiss him on the cheek. "Nymphadora Tonks fell off her broom and I had to fix her arm for her. Everyone else is bloody useless at medical magic." He gave a short laugh. "How are you, then?"

"I'm okay." She said, nodding.

There was a pause.

"Great," said Remus enthusiastically. "Do anything fun last night?"

"Er—yeah, kind of." She said, trying to mimic his enthusiasm "Thomas's brother Stephen and his wife came over for dinner."

"Oh, nice..."

She nodded again, and kept nodding. "Uh huh," She sighed "This shouldn't be so awkward."

"I know," Remus blurted "I'm just trying not to bring up--- you know"

"James." She said, making a sour face. "He's such an idiot"

Remus sighed "He's been kind of stressed out lately, which has significantly reduced his general idiocy."

Lily chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment before she asked him. "Did you tell him about Thomas?"

"Yes," Remus looked at her sideways. "Is that alright?"

She just shrugged "Why wouldn't it be okay?"

"I don't know." Headmitted softly.

"Well…" she kept chewing on her lip. "What did he say?"

"Not much," Remus said truthfully, "He's got a lot on his mind. He's been out all night every night for the last month trying to get something on Lucius Malfoy and it's all come to nothing." He sighed. "It turns out Malfoy can actually get a _restraining order_ from the Ministry for us following him."

"Are you serious?" Lily scoffed, "That's ridiculous! Why would they do that?"

"Lucius owns everyone at the Ministry" Remus sighed, "It is bloody ridiculous. The executive branch of the Ministry is all old pureblood families and once they got Minster Potter out of the way it's like they have free reign to make things easy for _you-know-who_"

Lily shook her head. "It's such utter bullshit. All of it"

Remus shrugged.A young witch came over to their table to take their orders and scurried off back behind the bar.

"So," Lily said flippantly as she examined the contents of her Butterbeer. "Other than the obvious, how is Potter?"

"Oh, you know," Remus shrugged. "Not eating, not sleeping, not talking to any of us, locking himself up in his Father's library and sending me off on missions to find books about evil wizards. Not so good."

Lily took a deep breath. "You can tell him I say hello, if you like." she said with a shrug.

Remus stared at her for a moment, wondering if this was forced flippancy."I will." he said gravely.

She pulled the letter from Dumbledore out of her pocket. "So, I got this from the Headmaster this morning. He wants me to come teach Defense at Hogwarts. Isn't that weird?" she asked "Shouldn't he be asking one of you to do it?"

Remus shrugged and then grinned at her."He probably has some good reason for wanting you to do it."

"He wants me to come by on Saturday" she said, reading over the letter again. "To let him know my reply"

"I'll be up in Hogsmeade on Saturday," said Remus off handedly. "Would you like to get a drink? I mean, if today doesn't turn out to be more awkward."

"Sure," she smiled at him. "You are a good friend Remus."

He smiled at her.

Lily twisted her engagement ring anxiously. Why did she have an idea she would end up taking this job?

-

let me know what you think guys. I know it's going REALLY slowly and all the chapters are super short—but I promise I'll have Lily and James together in the next one and I promise it'll be less boring and conversation-y. And more Sirius and various other members of the Black Family.

Ta.


	5. Chapter 5

SOMA

5.

Professor Dumbledore placed his fingertips together in a steeple and smiled at Lily over the top of them.

"How are you, Ms. Evans?" he asked her, "Engaged I see?"

"Yes," she said, automatically holding out her ring for the Headmaster to see. "I'm going to have to put it off if I take the position though…"

"Yes, well" Dumbledore nodded gravely. "That is something you must consider, Ms. Evans. Remember though, it  
should only be until the Christmas Holidays. Professor Mollywood should be well enough to teach then."

"Professor," Lily said cautiously, "Why is it you wanted me to take this job? Wouldn't Remus Lupin or Sirius Black or… or James Potter be better suited?"

Dumbledore placed both wizened old hands on the desk in front of him. "Remus and Sirius both have a lot on their plates at the moment, as you can imagine, with the Order. As for James Potter, well, he is busy as well but I think I can tell you I will never be able to offer James a position here at Hogwarts."

"Why?" Lily blurted out, looking somewhat shocked.

"I do not trust him, Lily," the Headmaster said plainly. "He is possibly one of the most powerful and talented wizards of our time. He can be dangerous to not only himself but to others. He has proven this to us before. You remember what happened last year, don't you Lily?"

"But that wasn't his fault" she frowned. "That was Tom Riddle playing with him."

"No, Lily." Dumbledore shook his head. "Tom Riddle does not exist anymore, as much as James would like to believe he does. There is only Lord Voldemort. Tom Riddle was a figment of his imagination created by Bellatrix Black"

Lily pursed her lips. Her seventh year at Hogwarts had been… turbulent to say the least. There was her time with James, her parents had been killed, Voldemort had risen to full power. Towards the end of the year James had begun having dreams about a boy with dark hair and hazel eyes who was killing people. When the first started James thought they were of himself. Then one day he saw a portrait of Tom Riddle before he became Lord Voldemort and realized it wasn't himself he was seeing, but Riddle.

After that James became obsessed with Riddle, he thought the way to Voldemort would be through Riddle. He had an idea of what Voldemort was up to. Why he was killing who he was killing. Why he was so interested in the ancestors of the founders. He wouldn't tell anyone, not even Sirius what he was thinking. He just continued to dig into Riddle until one day in a Hogsmeade weekend the Dark Mark rose up above the Hogshead Tavern and he finally came face to face with the Dark Lord.

"I don't know what you mean, Professor" she said, her forehead creasing. "I thought… if Bellatrix Black caused those dreams... It wasn't his fault. Why isn't he trustworthy?"

"Lily, my dear" the headmaster said slowly. "Trust me when I say that James Potter is our brightest hope but also has a great tendency to lean towards the Darker side of Magic. We are very lucky that we have not lost James to the Death Eaters yet. Which is what brings me to you, Lily."

Lily felt her stomach drop. Oh. No. Oh no. no. no. no. no.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"Yes," the professor inclined his head slightly. "There are few things that ground James Potter to our side. He claims avenging his parents, his friends, and his peers are his reasons. He is lying. Those are all things that could cause him to become a Death Eater. As you know, Bellatrix Black has made it her responsibility to convert him."

"Yes, what does that have to do with me?" Lily asked in a rush.

"I take it," he said softly, "That no one ever told you how Bellatrix did it" Dumbledore cleared his throat and sat up a bit straighter in his chair. "She has in her position Tom Riddle's pensive. The idea was to put those thoughts into James's mind to hopefully drive him mad and effectively to the dark side. She was found out, but not before the damage was done. Lily, she has not stopped trying."

"I still don't see where I come in to all this." She said impatiently.

Dumbledore stared at her over the tops of his half-moon spectacles. "You can not guess at where you come into all this?" he asked with a small smile.

She set her jaw. "No."

"Well Lily, let me just say that to have you nearby, working at Hogwarts would be very beneficial to all of us." His eyes twinkled as he watched the tension drain from her face. "We've all missed you very much."

Lily sighed. "You are very cryptic, Professor Dumbledore. I'd be happy to stay and help teach Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Very good." Dumbledore smiled

There was a soft knocking at the door then, "Come in," Said Dumbledore and then door swung open to reveal Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and a small woman with auburn hair and elaborate make up. She was wearing flowing lavender robes and looked a bit ridiculous next to Sirius and Peter who were wearing muggle jeans and tee shirts. They all looked exceptionally rumpled and very tired.

"Ah, Dorcus, Sirius and Peter. How was Prague?"

"Professor Dumbledore, I must ask for different secret keepers." Dorcus exploded, stomping over to his desk. "Death Eaters raided our flat, clearly they are completely usless." She turned to glare at Sirius. "Especially _him_!"

"Oh, sod of Meadows, I saved your bloody life last night!" Sirius ranted, coming further into the room. He had soot smeared across his cheek and a large bandage wound around his left hand. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked like he could kill the small woman in front of him.

"You wouldn't have had to save my life if you hadn't managed to get us found out!" she shrieked.

"I didn't get us found out, you deranged cow! They must have cracked the spell, I'm not incompetent you know!"

"OH YOU BLOODY WELL ARE!"

"I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH YOU ANYMORE!"

"SOD OFF, YOU'RE COMPLETELY USELESS! YOU DON'T DESERVE OUR PROTECTION!"

"YOU—" Dorcus was cut of by Dumbledore who simply stood and they both fell silent. Peter let out a slight squeak. Lily noticed he had band aids up his left arm and a black eye.

"Dorie, I'm sure Sirius was doing everything he could to keep you safe." The Headmaster said softly and then turned to Sirius. "You will not be reassigned. You are to remain her secret keeper with Peter."

Sirius made a low growling sound and then caught sight of Lily. His eyebrows shot up into his forehead and he looked as if he'd forgotten about Dorie. She noticed and looked at Lily too.

"Lily?" Peter asked from his corner. The small blonde boy had lost quite a bit of weight since Lily had seen him last. He still looked younger than 15 like he probably always would but he looked haggard and weathered now. Sad, too. Peter ambled over to her and after a few hesitant seconds Lily stood up and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

She looked at Sirius next and pursed her lips. "Hello," she offered.

"Bloody hell, Lily!" Sirius laughed, turning into the joyful bantering kid that was so like the giant fluffy dog he transformed into as an anamagus. He stomped over to her and swung her up into a hug. Lily remained stiff in his arms, her jaw clenching. Sirius was so like James, it made her feel ill. She didn't know how she would see James if looking at him or thinking about him made her feel nauseous.

"How are you?" Sirius exclaimed, setting her down. "I haven't seen you for bloody ages, are you alright? You look kind of sick."

"I'm fine, everything is fine."

"Well, what are you doing here?" Sirius asked, leaving his hand on her shoulder. Lily shrugged out from underneath it and cleared her throat.

"I'm to take the Defense Against the Dark Arts Job for a bit." She said calmly, glancing at Dorie over his shoulder.

"Who are you?" Dorie said shortly, frowning.

"Um, oh, hello" Lily strode over to her, hand held out. "Lily Evans, I went to school with Peter and Sirius."

"Oh, I see," Dorie said, nodding and giving her a smile. "Dorcus Meadows—you can call me Dorie, though, I suppose."

They shook hands. "Nice to meet you, are you in the order?"

"Yeah, well, sort of" she shot Sirius a dirty look. "They're protecting me for the time being from you-know-who."

Lily frowned "What does he want from you?"

Dorie snorted. "Hell if I know, I'm one of Helga Hufflepuff's decedents—genius over there thinks that might be part of it" she sighed

"Oh fuck you, Meadows---" Sirius started to say but Dumbledore cut him off.

"That will be quite enough, Mr. Black"

Sirius sat down in the chair Lily had just vacated and shut his eyes.

"Wow! That's a massive rock!" Dorie exclaimed capturing Lily's hand in her own and holding the ring up to her face. "When's the wedding"

"Um… not sure yet," Lily admitted

"Oh, right, Thomas McCarthy, huh?" Dorie said something about dating Stephen and continued to examine Lily's ring when Lily noticed the door open and a person slipped inside the room.

The first thing that happened was that her stomach fell to the floor and her heart started to beat fast. After that she looked him over, noticing that he looked thinner and older and that his hair was a bit longer. Then she looked away from him and down at her hand, pretending she hadn't seen him at all.

-

god, this is really boring me. okay, now for some lily james tension like it HASN'T been done before. or possibly it has, i don't know. i'm just trying to get a different feel to this story than a lot of the other ones have. IE: Peter isn't completely lame. James is meloncholly. etc... also, i wanted it to be like... all the rising action and climaxing have already happened in the last year. do you know what i mean? like, war started, all the bad started, there's the big fight/meltdown, everyone's going about their business as everything goes to hell and now there're here. hmm. it's just feels awkward for me to go into detail about the back story... i don't know. now i'm just rambling.

let me know, guys.


	6. Chapter 6

SOMA

6.

Lily shuffle d her feet as they left the Headmaster's office. It had been rather… awkward.

James entered the room and they pretended they didn't see each other. Everyone else got quiet, even Dumbledore seemed to be watching them with a kind of reverence. Had you seen how Lily and James could fight you too would keep quiet. James strode over to the Headmaster's desk, not looking at anyone and said "You wanted to see me?"

Dumbledore said yes, and finished placating Sirius and Dorie before shooing them all out aside from James. During the couple minutes of standing, waiting, and not looking at anyone, Lily thought about everything _but_ James. James thought about everything _relating t_o Lily. He looked at her twice and was relieved to find all he felt when he saw her was a dull blank feeling.

Good, he thought.

He saw her engagement ring. It was enormous. It made him feel another dull thud and he winced this time.

Lily kept her eyes trained on Dorie's in an uncomfortable forced eye contact kind of way. Dorie talked about engagement rings for a long time and then how she'd dated Stephen McCarthy and how they'd split up once he started talking about marriage.

"How old are you again?" Dorie asked her.

"Nineteen" she replied with a smile.

"Isn't Thomas almost thirty?"

Lily was sure she heard someone give an amused snort.

"He's twenty-eight."

Now outside the headmaster's office Lily was feeling a kind of faintness that started in her stomach and reached to the top of her head. She reasoned it was from concentrating on not thinking about James so much. That must have been it.

"Have you any idea where Remus is?" Lily asked Sirius

"Er—yeah. He's about" he said with a shrug, "Why?"

"I'm supposed to go grab a drink with him" she said impatiently

"Oh, great" Sirius grinned. "Like old times, yeah? He should be up this way any time now."

"I don't really have time—" Lily started to say

"Shut up, Evans. I haven't seen you in a year, come off it." Sirius slung his arm around her shoulders and Lily relaxed slightly. It was still too much like James for her liking. She had adored Sirius at one time. He was the kind of person who you could just watch and be amused.

The Headmaster's office door opened and James slipped out. He was wearing Jeans and a muggle polo shirt. He leaned against the closed door and for what seemed like far too long they just looked at each other. Lily clenched her fist and pulled away from Sirius. "No, I really can't" she couldn't stop herself from glancing at James but he had started walking away down the corridor.

"Are you sure?" asked Peter

"Yes, well" she nodded, suddenly flustered. "I am busy, so if you could tell Remus I'm sorry…?"

Sirius looked annoyed. He didn't exactly put up with bullshit well. Lily knew it was obvious she just wanted to be away from James. She gave him a weak smile and he rolled his eyes and stalked off after James. "Prongs!" he shouted "Wait up, mate"

Lily closed her eyes, feeling frustrated tears start to press at the back of her eyelids. She felt a cold hand on her elbow and looked up to see Peter, distress in his watery blue eyes.

"Don't pay attention to them, Lily" he said kindly, "Sirius just… doesn't like not getting his way. And James…er…" he trailed off, not sure what else to say.

Lily sniffed. She felt overwhelmed and all she wanted to do was leave but it was Hogwarts and she couldn't apparate inside the castle. She put her hands up to her face and let out a sob. "I'm sorry," she bubbled at him, "I'm sorry, Peter…I don't know why I'm crying about this. It's stupid…"

And then she was surprised to find Peter hugging her. He was shorter than her so it was a bit awkward but Lily appreciated it none the less.

"Thank you" she said, pulling away quickly.

"Of course, Lily. I hope that we're still friends?" he asked.

"Yes, Peter. Of course" she smiled at him, through hazy eyes. She sniffed again. "So what have you been up to? Busy fighting evil and being chivalrous and such?"

Lily gave a short laugh at the look on Peter's face.

"God, no" he said, looking horrified. "I want nothing to do with it, any of it. I just… I know we must fight but it just seems to be to no avail." He sighed. "I'm working with Peter as Dorcus Meadow's secret keeper. She's a handful" he added, rolling his eyes.

"I could tell," Lily grinned

"To tell you the truth," Peter snorted "I think Sirius is in love with her."

Lily laughed and found her self saying they should meet up for a drink at some point. How did that happen?

"I'd love to" he beamed, "Just the gentler half of the Marauders, right?"

"Right," Lily smiled.

Peter pulled a pocked watch out from his pants' pocked and sighed. "I must be going though, Lily. Send me an owl, alright?"

"I will." She nodded, earnestly "Tell Remus I'm sorry" she added

"I'll do that"

They hugged again and then Peter took off down the hallway in the same direction as the others had gone. Lily stood for a moment, staring at the statue outside Dumbledore's office. Then she started crying again.

-

Right, so, not exactly as much Lily/James as I kind of vaguely promised. I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the story, especially simply sarcastic and jewls5. You guys have me some amazing feedback and that's so appreciated so this chapter is dedicated to the two of you.

Thanks, luvs.


	7. Chapter 7

7.

SOMA

The rest of the summer was not exactly uneventful.

Lily started meeting with Peter or Remus more often. They even came to Thomas and Lily's engagement party in mid-July. Lily had been putting it off for some reason. She wasn't sure why. It was a small party at their house with just Stephen and Laurel and Thomas's older sister Hazel and her husband came as well. Petunia told Vernon she was going to a Tupperware Party and joined the party.

Petunia was easily Lily's best friend. They had been very competitive as children and once Lily found out she was a witch their relationship had soured a bit. Petunia tried to best her through her grades and scholarship to Cambridge. Then Lily started dating James and Petunia did not approve. Once their parents were killed it didn't seem to matter anymore and they became as close as they had been as children again. Plus, Petunia like Thomas. She thought he was charming and handsome unlike James Potter who she found crass, lazy and messy. For someone as anal retentive as Petunia these were heinous crimes. Really, Lily thought that Petunia somehow knew James attracted trouble and danger and it intimidated and worried her for Lily's safety

Vernon Dursley, her husband of one year didn't know that Lily was a witch. Petunia was planning on keeping it that way forever.

They shuffled into the kitchen looking sheepish and out of place next to the intensely polished crowd. Remus and Peter weren't exactly cocktail people. Lily shoved Butterbeers into their hands and introduced them to everyone. Remus and Thomas got on exceptionally well, both ranting about the Quidditch world cup in their equally soft-spoken manners. It made Lily smile.

She didn't see James for a while. But she heard about him.

Thomas came shuffling through the front door and planted a kiss on his fiancée's cheek with a heavy sigh. "I'm exhausted," he said, as Lily took his black Auror's cloak and hung it in the hall closet. She got a kick out of the domestic rituals.

"What happened?" she asked as they went into the kitchen. Lily started making a couple drinks.

"I went to an Auror's council meeting and—have you heard of the Order of the Phoenix? Anyway, it's Dumbledore's little organization for sort of… intensely proactive treatment of the you-know-who situation." He sighed heavily. "Remus was there along with a mate of his—James Potter"

Lily froze midway through pouring herself a martini. "What?"

Thomas glanced at her mildly. "James Potter? Do you know him?"

"Um… yes." She swallowed and placed a scotch in front of Thomas while sipping her own drink. She sat down heavily at the table. "He was Head Boy at Hogwarts while I was Head Girl"

"Oh, then, you should know how he is"

"How he is?"

"Well, you see, brilliant guy really..." Thomas frowned. "I mean, he has all the right ideas about what should be happening in the Ministry and with the Auror's council. Of course, none of his propositions will go through on the council. They're far too risky. But… I don't know Lily, there's something _off_ with him, do you know what I mean?"

Lily thought about it for a moment, sipping her martini. She had an idea what he meant.

-

She really did run into James one day while shopping for a gift for Hazel's birthday. Lily started in Diagon Alley but couldn't find anything suitable. She finally gave up there and made her way into muggle London. She strolled down Oxford Street and Bond Street, not really looking for a gift, but more just wandering for the sake of it. At some point she did find a store with a gorgeous pair of earrings that were the sort of thing Hazel would wear.

The shop girl was wrapping the earrings into a box for her when Lily's heart suddenly gave a leap as she saw a familiar figure stroll past the window. It was James, he had a thin green sweater on with a button down shirt underneath. He looked more rumpled and fatigued as ever. He had his hands in his pockets and was staring at the ground in front of him.

Lily stared out the window, half expecting him to come wandering back.

She couldn't really think, she was more stunned. Had it been him? Was she seeing things? What were the odds? Honestly?

The shop girl handed Lily her package and Lily loitered inside the store for a bit longer, unsure what to do. Well, clearly she couldn't go running after him, there wasn't any point in that. She didn't want to see him. She really didn't want to be near him. She was feeling sick just thinking about it.

Finally Lily left the store and started walking again. She let her mind wander and clear until she had almost forgotten about the incident.

But then it was never that easy.

"Oh!" she squeaked. "Oh…" she repeated, subdued.

"Oh," James repeated, staring at her blankly.

He had just come out of a store, crossing right into her path. He was holding a carrier bag from the store and looked from her to the overcast sky and then back to her.

"I just—I just saw you go by," she stammered "From the store I was in"

James blinked at her. "You followed me?"

"What? No!" she scoffed. "Of course not, I was going this way."

"Okay," James shrugged

Lily sighed. She felt anger boil in her stomach. He _always_ did that. He always managed to make her angry about nothing.

He looked across the street, as if contemplating running across the four lanes of traffic and then turned back to her quickly. "So you're getting married." It was a statement laden with something Lily couldn't quite catch.

"Yeah….Yes, I am" she said quietly.

"Okay," James said again.

"Okay," she repeated. "Bye."

"Take care," he said shortly and strode off in one direction. Lily went the other way.

-

The week following that found Lily sitting at her desk at work wondering how on earth Dumbledore expected her to be able to… to be _near_ him. Not work with him. The way they were going she wouldn't even be able to be in the same room with him, let alone _work_ with him. What was she supposed to do? Ground him? Keep him from going evil?

Whatever, she thought.

Towards the middle of August Lily and Thomas took a much needed holiday to the Greece. Thomas's parents had a house on the island of Kea and they were going to spend a week there, doing nothing but lying in the sand and swimming in the ocean.

On the fourth night something happened that made Lily wonder if fate was telling her something. Fate… or Dumbledore.

She and Thomas were having dinner at a small local restaurant. It was lovely. Candles, soft music, the works. Thomas was holding her hand over the table and they were talking in soft dreamy voices about having the wedding the following spring. She would probably be finished up with Hogwarts by then. They could honeymoon on Kea, they liked it so much there. They would bring the children on holiday there when they had children. There would be photo albums full of thin red haired and brunette children with large green eyes waving from behind sand castles.

And then: "OH MY GOD, LILY?"

She jerked her hand out of Thomas's and whirled around in her seat. At first there was a feeling she couldn't place, one that kind of compressed her heart. Then she felt horrified. Because Dorie Meadows, dressed in a flowing white dress with a giant fashionably floppy white hat and large black sunglasses was screaming at her. And standing behind her was Sirius (looking annoyed and sun burnt), Peter (apprehensive and sun burnt) and James (horrified and transparently pale).

"Oh my god…!" Lily said, her false enthusiasm slipping.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Lily blinked "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, I'm being secret kept again." She said, rolling her eyes. "We were in London for bit, then Amsterdam and now we've been here for about a week. It's the best yet, I must say."

"Oh, lovely" Lily said, smiling thinly. "We're just on Holiday—oh, Thomas, this is Dorcus Meadows. She's um… she's…"

"In a witness protection service" James said quickly.

"Yes." Lily shot him a thankful look which he returned with a quick twitch of his lips, which she interpreted to be a smile. "And you know Peter and… Potter. This is Sirius Black."

Thomas smiled and nodded at them. He could see the tension in Lily's face. She cursed whatever power James had over her that made her so—so utterly fucked when she was around him, to be frank.

"It's my birthday," Dorie was tittering "You must come out with us—oh, come over to our table! Come on, Lily!"

She shuffled Lily out of her chair and pushed her towards the table the maitre d' had been leading them towards before Dorie's outburst. Lily thought perhaps Dorie was in need of female companionship, hence her insistence on Lily's company.

Thomas sat quietly next to her and she grabbed his hand under the table. They looked at each other and smiled. Lily felt a bit better about it then.

They had dinner together. Dorie doing most of the talking with Peter and Thomas joining in when everyone had a few glasses of wine. Sirius looked offended by Lily's presence still, she tried smiling at him but he wouldn't look at her. James didn't say a word the whole way through dinner. He picked at his food and didn't drink any alcohol. He was staring out at the ocean, mostly.

After about three bottles of wine had been consumed Dorie, Peter and Thomas were properly drunk and properly enjoying Dorie's birthday. Thomas wasn't much of a drinker in comparison to the Marauders but he seemed to find everything Dorie or Peter said hysterical or completely profound. Lily thought it was adorable and so did Dorie, because she kept saying to Lily. "I don't know why I didn't want to marry _Stephen_—you're fiancé is _fabulous_" and then the three of them would laugh uproariously as if they'd never heard anything funnier in their lives.

Sirius was chain smoking cigarettes and getting quietly drunk. James stared at the ocean some more and Lily pretended to be engaged with the others.

"Right," Dorie slurred "Shall we go out? Or shall we go in? I dunno, you know? But I'm not finished tonight!"

James made an amused sound that only Lily (the only other sober person there) heard.

"What are the chances," Sirius slurred suddenly. "That you would be here, Evans?"

"I'm sorry?" she asked politely.

"I mean, honestly, James. What are the odds? Old Dumbledore thinks he knows what he's doing, doesn't he"

Lily blinked. "What?"

"Shut up, Sirius" James murmured

"No, I'm tired of him jerking us around. I mean, what does _she _have to do with it? Really? He just says, go with them James—go to _this island_ specifically. No Death Eaters there! No, just Evans…Ow!" Sirius stopped talking suddenly and was wincing in pain and staring at James. "You needn't do that."

"You're being loud." James said simply.

During that time the other three had decided it was imperative they go back to Lily and Thomas's house on the beach to finish getting drunk and celebrating Dorie's birthday. They all started stumbling out to Thomas's car before Lily or James could stop them. Sirius followed them wordlessly, now clearly peeved at both James and Lily.

James sighed and tried not to look at Lily. It was getting hard. He didn't feel as strange around her now… but it still felt like he should pretend she wasn't there. More for pride and self preservation than anything else.

They reached the little car and Thomas was trying to get his keys out of his pocket. James watched Lily pull them easily from his hand and push him into the back seat where Dorie and Peter promptly piled on top of him. Sirius lit up another cigarette and tried telling them to move so he could get in the car as well. They ignored him and continued to laugh it up.

Lily handed the keys to James wordlessly and she walked around to get into the passenger seat. Sirius finally gave up with the lushs in the back and told Lily to move over.

This is the part where Lily finds herself stuffed into a very small European clown car between James and Sirius on a very bumpy unpaved road. Sirius was leaning as far away from Lily as he could get. She thought he was being a bit irrational but he never the less was leaning half way out the window away from her. She tried in vain to stay an equal distance away from the two men but without a seat belt just ended up sliding mostly into James.

They went around a sharp bend and Sirius clutched onto the edge of the window to keep from flying while Lily just slid across the seat and pressed James into the door, despite clutching onto the seat. She shut her eyes; she was so close to him she could smell that oddly sweet smell that she knew to be James. She felt his hip pressing into hers as well as the lengths of their thighs. A sharp elbow in her side and again that smell: warm and sweet and soft and kind.

The car righted itself and she exhaled and looked around at Sirius to distract herself. He was still smoking.

"How much further is it?" James asked

Lily shut her eyes again. She was being indulgent, she knew. She hated this man sitting next to her but she was going to just for a second pretend she didn't hate him while their legs were pressed so close together. It was a stupid thing to be so… obsessed with.

"Lily?" James looked over at her, she was staring blankly ahead.

"Oh sorry, just a couple more turns." She murmured, not looking away from the road in front of them, lit up by the car's headlights.

"Alright."

James pulled himself out of the blank nothing-mood for a moment to notice that their legs were touching and she wasn't moving away. His heart started beating quite fast. Her hair was shorter and curlier and she looked far more feminine than she had when they were together—but she was still Lily Evans and she was still beautiful and she was still…

There wasn't any point in thinking like that. He didn't want anything to do with her.

They reached the house and Lily helped Sirius up to a bedroom where he could pass out. She found herself tucking him into bed and sitting next to him for a long time.

"Lily," he said softly, apologetically.

"What?"

"Do you hate him? Really? That much?"

Lily sighed and listened to the party raging on downstairs. She felt exhausted and confused and definitely in shock as to how she had gone from being on vacation with her fiancé to hosting a party for her ex-lover and his two best friends along with a girl they were protecting from the dark lord. How she ended up in Sirius's room saying good night was far too strange to even consider.

"No," she said quietly. "But you'll never remember that, you drunken idiot"

"Eh," Sirius shrugged. "At least you're honest" he sniffed and shut his eyes. "He's not honest with us… or himself."

"What do you mean?" she whispered

There wasn't a response.

"Sirius? Are you asleep?" Lily waited a bit longer and then stood up and sighed heavily.

-

This is dedicated to all the people who have ever been the only sober one and know how much that blows. Long one, huh? I know. I'm spent. More soon, I promise.

Give me some feedzzback.


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